Monday, October 11, 2010

it started with "I could meet you in Paris"

me: what do you think I do for new years?!

Christina: snort cocaine and drink cristal?

me: don't forget the nipple pasties

they're expensive

and my elephant that takes me to all the do's

Christina: yeah of course

and the diamond studs for the elephant's toenails

me: that elephant is such an effing diva

Christina: he drinks too much cristal

me: alky

Christina: and then can’t walk straight


me: i'm laughing quite hard right now

Christina: haha good

with the stupid sparkly headdress all wonky because he's pissed

me: and he's wearing a studded bra even though he's a dude

Christina: and was pissed about even before he started chinning the champagne

me: he calls his ex-girlfriend after midnight to tell her he misses her and then vomits before hanging up

Christina: vomits through his nostrils

me: and then thinks it's fun

Christina: and then wonders how he managed to get glitter in his vom

me: and poses in a fountain

Christina: if someone read this they'd think we were on mushrooms or something

me: i love thinking of an elephant standing in the middle of a fountain going WAHOOOOO and then realising he's got glitter in his puke and thaaaat's the odd bit

but he's cool with the bra and nails and stuff

Christina: and he has a really deep husky dude voice but dressed in this pink sparkly showgirl outfit

me: WAAAAHOOOOOO bleeughg ghldgkjnbjdgsg

Christina: he starts singing copacabana, and then belches down his trunk

me: in that muffledy way

and he's pointing at ladies in the crowd

winking with the elephant eyelashes

Christina: which are half hangning off

me: but he's not very good at it so it's more of a blink

Christina: theyre those fake eyelashes with big neon feathers on them


Christina: there's also a little bell attached to his tail that he keeps wiggling in a coquettish manner at passers by

me: he's a big lush is our elephant

Christina: whats his stage name?

me: Bubbles the Burlesque Pachyderm

Christina: And his real name is Reggie.

me: he's always felt emasculated by his real name Reginald Tittsworth

Christina: Not least because his older two brothers and his father are all weight-lifting headline act elephants in the circus

but an injury as a baby means he's unable to lift anything heavier than a feather duster with his trunk

so he's incorporated the french maid act into his routine

much to the ridicule of his family

me: but there is NO ONE who can shimmy like Reg

Christina: his mother secretly stitches together his outfits in the dead of night

trawling the audience seats in the circus big top for stray sequins that have come off the other performers clothing

me: this is like the scariest version of dumbo ever

Christina: i know

its dumbo vs. priscilla queen of the desert

me: that is horridly accurate

Christina: reggie the big pimping pachyderm

I have the opening bars of YMCA in my head for some reason

me: because of our story of the closeted elephant

Christina: poor reg

It’s hard to be in the closet when you're an elephant

i can see Disney Pixar really buying into this tale

me: big time

you made your fortune writing the screenplay about an elephant that was secretly gay

had a drinking problem

and had a french maid sidekick

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